This Sux!!!

Lord, I know you've brought me this far in life for a reason, I don't know why... I thought when I reached this age you would have a lot more clear direct and step by step plan of what I need to do with my future. Unfortunately, that is definitely not the case... Lord, PLEASE, help me to know what to do with my future!!! Everything's messed up right now!!! I've given all I've got in as many areas of my life as I feel I can. I've worked soooooooooooooo hard for the grades I have right now. But yet those two classes are killing me!!! I want, with all my heart, to do right now all I can to make a successful future for myself, but instead everything I try to do...what seems to be in your plan and your will, gets messed up. I can't work without having people out to get me...even to the point of now every move I make being in pain. I don't understand!!! I'm trying, Lord!!! I've given you all I have!!! I've given all I have for every relationship I have, but no, they aren't relationships I should have. And the ones I should never workout cuz I can't do enough to please that person. LORD!!! YOU ARE ALL I WANT, YOU ARE ALL I NEED!!! I WAN'T TO FEEL YOU, I NEED TO HEAR YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!! Please give me peace, please heal this heart of hurt and unforgivefulness!!! Please help me to move past this and enjoy life to its full, like you've designed for me to live. Please help me to get through this pain, knowing that you suffered far worse!!! Please humble me and move me back to the hurts of others and quit revolving on my own stupid self. Please help me to get over all the past, all I've missed out on, all the broken relationships and people I so GREATLY miss!!!! Lord, I want the purpose of me living to bring glory and honor to YOU!!! Please help me to do ALL I can to achieve that first and foremost!!! Please help me as I try to move these other people, who are so greatly burdening me out of my life, and move past that. I LOVE YOU, LORD with all I am, all I have been, and ever will be!!!!!!!!!! Please help that to show in my life!!!!!!!!!! And to my big sis!!! and her most beautiful lil baby girl!!!!! I <3 YOU FOREVER AND EVER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! THANK YOU SO VERY MUCH FOR ALWAYS BEING THERE FOR ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! AND FOR LOVING ME, EVEN WHEN THERE IS ABSOLUTELY NO REASON TO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! YOU will ALWAYS have a VERY special place in my heart that no one in this world could ever fill!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

It's a....!!!!!!!!!!!! :D I know it!!!!!!!!!!

BIG SIS IS HAVIN A BABY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! :D Need I say more :) And I am finally a senior. God is sooooooo good, and blesses in sooooo many ways. Now we got the ups and downs to live through, and we can't wait for the outcome and final results!!!!!!! :D :D :D

Why God?

When things continually get worse and worse in our lives...where do we turn??? TRUTHFULLY!!! Do we try to run away? Turn to a friend to satisfy us? Turn to something electronical? Drive off? Or get pissed, and put others thru crap?....or do we turn to Christ??? I have been struggling sooooooo much. I really don't know what to do anymore. I feel as though I have been turning to Christ. I mean we talk, I tell him bout what I'm struggling with and do my best to thank Him continually when good things happen...but how? How do I thank him for these trials, when I'm struggling and finding nothing to do but give up in sooooo many(what seems like all) aspects of my life? I mean God, why did you take my grandma from me...She was the only spiritual role model in my life. I looked up to her very highly and did my best to follow after her good qualities. She helped me so much, and always was there to encourage me and listen. I wanted to do all I could do learn from that and do the same to others. Why did you take her? She wasn't even that old yet...and she wasn't really going downhill either. She was perfectly heathy. Why God? Why did you not keep her here so she could come to my graduation? So she could be an encouragement to me through some of the biggest times in my life... God, I don't get it! I then turned to my brother, he has been such a good example to me and has been such a GREAT protection to me through the past year...but yet you take him from me for this time... God, I don't get it! I'm not mad at you, but why? It hurts, God!!! Yet, I know you've suffered more pain then I could ever experience so I have no room to talk. But God, I can never sleep, I can never go through one day without breakdown...why God? I wanna get through this but how? I have lost all my friends, and now am left being pestered by tons of boys that have noooooo idea who you are or what you've done. How can I show them? How can I be an example to them, when all they want is either sex or something physical? How do I ditch em or get away from them? How do I protect myself from this? God, I got no one but you, I feel so alone and trapped...God! PLEASE HELP ME!!!!!! I have no clue what more I can do...I feel like I'm breaking and my whole life is crashing down around me. I want something exciting, I want something encouraging. Lord! How can I find joy with no other people in my life to influence me right, besides my big sis. How can I actually do anything besides work, without doing something wrong or getting into trouble again? Lord!!! Please show me!!! God, I don't know what to do!!! And Lord! PLEASE, help me to keep my temper!!!!!!!!!!!! But why God? Why do people have to continually put me down and hold it against me that I have such an amazing big sis that means soooooo much to me? Why is that my fault? For no reason at all will I ditch her!!!!!!! But why do people have to continually put me thru this crap and assume stuff bout her that AINT TRUE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Back to the Bible

Back to the Bible

Check this devotional out. Puts a lot of things in perspective.

God bless!!!

MY BIG SIS ROCKS MY FACE OFF!!! :D :D :D

Well I really dont know why this has hit me so hard today, but I got grounded saturday night and I have been feeling real worthless ever since then, and for a while I guess. I have been looking to the Lord what seems like a lot lately, but I still feel a gap. I know I needa keep working at it. And me and a good friend have been working thru Psalms lately. And I've been reading it off and on. We have started out pretty slow, but I really hope to improve a lot this week and the next few weeks. But in just the last few hours....over just a matter of maybe five texts.....I made two of my hmmmm idk what to call em ;) friends i guess, but they mean a lot to me, sooooo mad at me. And I didn't even know I did it until I heard there response a few texts later. And I was like I did nothing. Whats wrong? And they explained, and I finally sorta got the picture. But anyway I really really really really really really really really wanna thank my BIG SIS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! For EVERYTHING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! She has been the story of my life ever since I met her in bible study lol like FOREVER ago ;) and the time has flown by sooooo fast, I can't even believe I'm 17 now. And in less than a year, I will be an adult. scary huh ;) And I know there is NO DOUBT that God brought her into my life to get me thru the hardest trials I've ever faced, and to keep me alive. PHEW!!!!! Its a miracle I'm still here today. And I thank God for all of it!!!!!!!!!!!!! or else I would never be as strong as I am today!!! But if there was any one on this earth I could dedicate it all to, would be my UBER AMAZZZZZZZZZING SUPER DOOPER PERTY BIG SIS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! She's like the MOST AMAZZZZING thing since tv itself ;) But for real!!! Im soooooo humbled at all she does. DUDE!!!!! Shes pregnant, yet still holds down a job, goes to school, hangs with her fam like all the time, has like TONS of friends, plays her flute like ALL the time, and still talks to me of all people. GEEZ!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Im in awe!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I could NEVER do that!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I'm just sooooooooooo stinkin grateful and blessed to have her in my life, no one really knows. It's like the greatest treasure I've ever experienced or gotten to know. It's hard to explain, but im sooooooo stinkin blessed I wish I could HUG her FOREVER AND EVER AND EVER AND EVER AND EVER AND EVER AND EVER AND EVER AND EVER, but for one, im too shy, and two, I would keep from being soooooo AWESOME at all she does!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! :D :D :D MAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I LOVE MY BIG SIS SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO STINKIN MUCH!!!!!!!!!!! :D :D :D And im sooooooooooo VERY proud of her and all she does!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! And I really wanna thank her because I have gotten into soooo many fights the past few days with lots of people and my heart still ACHES very bad that all of those fights haven't been resolved, but with her, as with NO ONE else I have ever met, I know that in the end everything will get worked out cuz that's how much we love each other :D :D :D and I will do my best to read as many Psalms this week as I can!!!!! LOVE YOU TO DEATH BIG SIS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! And God, thank you for another year to live, another year to love others, another year to glorify and honor you most of all!!! And continue to help me stay strong and not stumble throughout the day and throughout my week.

The suffering that we encounter...

I've noticed lately how often the ones that suffer are the ones without the problem to begin with. Throughout our lives we come in contact with people, open our hearts up to them, share every possible thing with them tears, happiness, laughs and anger...but yet when things go wrong it doesn't seem to phase that other person at all, and the only other person left hurting is us. It's difficult to care so much about someone get your heart broken and that person treat you as though you are nothing on this earth, not even a speck of dust. One minute you are the center of their universe and then the next minute you're gone...vanished...from their world, you haven't done a thing to them yet we are the ones left with the tears and the hurt. Christ gives us compassion to care and to love other people and even though it hurts to the max what people can do to us we must continue to care and love them...and pray for them daily. It's not easy but we must stand firm in our faith against what others do to us...and the more we fight the stronger we will become...

Lead Me Lord

Well I know this may sound really bad, but I have been striving and striving to seek the Lord in everything, but it just doesnt seem to work out. I wanna make it Him #1, and let nothing else come before. But no matter how hard I try everything else seems more fun, more entertaining, more worth while. But as of lately, I feel like my whole world has crashed down around me, I've lost many dear friends I can't seem to get it in my head that they are truly not there anymore. I've had some hard struggles with my parents and the way I have been acting lately. And I've had some long talks with "friends" about it, but I just dont see how to move past it. I can't keep my mind focused on the past, but I don't see any point looking towards the future when I can't even really narrow it down as to what I wanna do or who I wanna be. I always looked to my friends for that. So I've convinced myself to turn to the Scriptures, but the more I do, the more "strong" spiritual leaders seem to turn me away. I know I'm not perfect, I know I never will be, but I feel that the more people I try to look to for help in understanding it, the more I feel I get judged, and I in turn push it away. I know giving up is definitely not the way I wanna react, but I really don't know where to turn in order to really understand it. I've listened to teacher after teacher explain the Bible to me as I've grown up, but I've never really tried to look at it seriously and find out what I believe and how I need to change my life in order to bring its truths into my life. I wouldn't even be giving God anymore chances at all if it weren't for the most influential person in my life, my big sis. I love her to death!!!!!!!!!! and I wanna strive more and more to love Christ, I just really don't know how. I hope that I'm not the only one that faces these things, cuz I feel like the biggest fool right now. But this is how I really feel. And Lord, please help me to understand your Word a whole lot better and help me know how to put it to action in my life.